My Creative Portfolio Website
The reason I wanted to start a website of my own is very simple and bleak, if I die someday, I want to have a place for my creations and my past.
I like forms of arts where words are not the mean of expression.
I especially love my music. They represent the joyful and emotional experiences of creation through days and nights. I tried my best to make cinematic tunes that could potentially be used as library music in movies or TV shows. If all senses can connect, a vivid melody is what I aim for. I make my music in my little closed off room which kind of symbolizes the brain of imagination, filling it with sound waves, and waves to form scenes.
I am not very proud of my paintings as I haven’t been practising consistently, nor have I found my style. Unlike music, once I make a mistake, it is very hard to correct or paint over the errors. The enjoyment of painting is also different from that of making music. Once a painting is complete, I cannot go back and reminisce the time and experience of the process. It becomes motionless and memory.
The professional me is a hardworking and mature little woman who braces herself to step into this dog eat dog world, only trying to find her own value and earning a living. The social constructed idea of “career success” requires extra courage to face a new day, a new month, and a new year. What am I doing? Am I happy? Does all these lead to what I hope for as a job? The candid little woman paces between wanting to be someone and wanting to be me.
Luckily, we don’t have to use third-person narrative all the time to depict an image of self, because I found joy in animals and taking care of animals as a side gig. The convenience of not having to use too much human words and the exploration to the realm of biology, animal behaviour and instincts open up a new world for me to understand myself. For reactive dogs, it is important to train and condition them to not be in fight or flight mode instantly. It is same with human when it comes to our reactions and emotions.
I have borderline personality disorder (BPD), depression and anxiety. Though they have added a layer deal with life, they also added a colourful filter to view this life. What is my relationship with my emotions? Are they trustworthy in a particular situation? When and how do I utilize them? And the lessons and practices go on and on.
Billie Xu 